What matters most
by SoneaSelene
Summary: Gwen is smiling at Merlin. "It's not what it looks like," still smiling she turns back to Arthur, kissing him passionately.


"Gwen!"

"Gwen, I know you're in there!"

"Gwen, please! I need to talk to you!" Merlin's voice breaks into something close to a cry. "Please, I don't know what to do any-"

Gwen opens the door just a crack. "Merlin, what's wrong?" Her voice mirrors the confusion on her face.

"Please, can I come in? I really don't know what to do anymore." His voice is even more pleading now than before.

Gwen looks uneasy, but Merlin doesn't seem to notice.

"Uhm, ok, come in. Do you want some tea? Coffee?" She walks him into the small living room.

Merlin smiles slightly. "No thanks. I just need to talk."

_He looks tired_, Gwen thinks. The dark circles under his eyes make him seem more dead than alive.

"Ok, what's wrong? You look awful."

"I can't sleep, I can't eat, I can't – Gwen, I think I'm losing him." Not being able to hold back anymore, he lets his tears run freely.

"What? Who?" She already knows the answer, of course, but she asks anyway.

"Arthur!" – Gwen's gaze flickers to her bedroom door, but Merlin doesn't notice. – "I don't know. He's, he's so distant Gwen. He's always gone on one business trip after the other and even when he's in town he's always out with friends. Last night he even slept on the couch. I don't know what to do anymore, Gwen. I'm losing him. What did I do wrong? I'm always there for him. What...what if he's got someone else? What – oh God, Gwen, I can't...I don't know what to do. Please, I-" Merlin stops and looks at his friend, but before he can say anything else, he is shaken by a violent storm of tears and sobs.

Gwen takes him into her arms and bites her lip. "Shhh. It's ok Merlin. I'm sure he's just busy with work. It's going to be alright, trust me." She pats his head soothingly, but Merlin just shakes it in return.

"No, you don't understand, it's different. We... we haven't had sex in months – and Arthur loves sex. Oh Gwen, why would he even want me? He is Arthur, he can have anyone and have you seen me? I should have listened to Gwaine when he told me to stay away." He is shaken by another crying fit and the tears won´t seem to stop.

"No, no, shh Merlin. I'm sure it's nothing like that, l Arthur would never cheat on you. He loves you! I know he does. He-"

"Then why doesn't he come close to me anymore? Why doesn't he call? Gwen I can't lose him! I don't know what to do without him! I love him! I couldn't... live without him."

Gwen squirms uncomfortably on the small sofa and her eyes flicker to her bedroom door again. This time Merlin notices and follows her gaze.

"What? Is something wrong? Did, did I interrupt you? Oh god, Lance is here, isn't he?"

She shakes her head. "No, no, it's ok. I, uhm, I just remembered I forgot to close the window, but it's fine."

Merlin looks at her, not quite believing what she´s saying. "I know when you're lying, Gwen. Maybe Lance knows what's wrong, he's Arthur's best mate. I've got to ask him. Please Gwen, he's here isn't he?"

"No, Merlin, he's... you can't go in there, I …" She looks at him helplessly, wondering if her best friend has finally lost his mind. There's a groan coming from the bedroom and Merlin is up in a second. Gwen tries to stop him, but he doesn't listen. He's desperate to find out what is going on with Arthur. With two long strides he's at her bedroom door, knocking, but in his haste Merlin doesn´t bother to wait for an answer.

"Lance, sorry I'm sto-" He stops dead when he sees the half-naked man lying on her bed.

Gwen enters the room right behind him. "Merlin, let me explain, this is NOT what it looks like."

Merlin continues to stare at the bed. "You! It's you!" He slowly turns around to look at her, the wild look in his eyes making her take a step back.

"Mer-"

"I knew he had someone. But you? I-"

He doesn't finish. Without looking at Arthur again he turns on his heels and flees the apartment.

_2 hours before_

There's a knock on the door. Gwen looks over at the clock sitting on her drawer – _9 pm_ – and wonders if Lance has forgotten something.

There's another knock and then a voice she knows too well. "Gwen, you there? Nnneed to talk to you."

The drunken man Gwen finds falling into her arms is most definitely not her boyfriend. "Arthur! What-"

"Sssorry to bother you. 'm drunk. Nnneed to talk."

Gwen looks at him worryingly. The last time she has seen him this drunk was when his mother had died six years ago. "God Arthur, did something happen? Is your father alright? Did something happen to Merlin?"  
She half-carries him to the couch where he slumps down, head sinking into his hands.

"He doesn't love me anymore. Threw me out this morning."

Gwen sits down beside him, putting a hand on his back.

"Merlin? What happened?"

"He doesn't love me anymore. I ruined it." He continues to stare at her living room table.

"I'll get you a glass of water and then you can tell me what happened, ok?"

When Gwen comes back, Arthur is still sitting how she has left him: shoulders hunched over and with eyes closed. She can see the streaks of tears on his cheeks and feels her heart break a little.

"Do you want to talk about it?" she asks as she sits down again.

"I – " Arthur starts, but then stops, his shoulders slumping even further down in a defeated manner. He seems lost in his thoughts for a moment, not realizing that Gwen is still silently waiting for him to talk.

Then suddenly it all comes pouring out: How happy Merlin had been when Arthur had gotten the opportunity of a promotion. How much Merlin had supported it and assured if that the additional travelling wouldn't bother him, that they would figure something out. They had even made plans for when Arthur would be head of department. They had been planning on buying a house then, a house by the sea with enough rooms to host fancy parties, where Merlin could show off his cooking skills.

It seems as if once Arthur has started talking, everything he has bottled up for so long needs to come out at once. He continues telling Gwen how his boss had made him work longer and longer hours, telling him he needed to if he ever wanted to get promoted. At first Merlin had waited for him. Arthur had told him time and time again he didn't have to, but when he did stop to do so, Arthur couldn't help but feel a pang of disappointment. He felt immensely guilty for leaving Merlin alone, but when the promotion would come along, he would eventually be able to give Merlin the life he deserved. That was all that counted.

"But surely Merlin understands that?" Gwen asks.

Merlin had seemed to understand. The separation during the week made the weekends even more important and they always spent them together. But lately, whenever Arthur had asked him to go out, Merlin had said he was tired or had a headache or he just didn't feel like it. More often than not they had spent the weekend apart. On being asked where he was going, Merlin had only given vague and elusive answers.

"Last night I was working well past midnight and I didn't want to wake him up, so I slept on the couch. But when I woke up, Merlin was standing there, with my backpack, pointing at the door. All he said was 'I want you to leave!' and then he locked himself in the bedroom. I tried to talk to him, but other than yelling at me to just get out and away from him, he ignored me completely." Arthur tries to hold back yet another fit of tears, but fails. Sobbing he tells Gwen how he had left after about an hour and just driven around town aimlessly afterwards, eventually he had stopped at a bar. That had been four hours ago.

"Morgana isn't picking up her phone and I didn't know where to go. Your flat was the closest place I knew. I don't know what to do Gwen."

He looks exhausted and Gwen doesn't want him to go anywhere in the state he is in. "You can stay here if you want to. We'll figure something out tomorrow – after you've gotten some decent sleep. Come on, you can take the bed."

Arthur starts to protest, but Gwen just explains how the couch is way too small for him and that she doesn't mind at all. "That's what friends are for Arthur," and Arthur is already half asleep when she closes the door to the bedroom.

Merlin doesn't know what to do or think anymore. He moves around the apartment restlessly, trying to block out the thoughts flooding his mind: Arthur and Gwen! Betrayed by the two people he loves the most. 'Used to love' he corrects himself.

He had felt alone before, but now he truly felt lonely. He has nowhere to go and no one to talk to. Not that he really wants to talk to anyone right now, all he wants is to forget.

Merlin's phone rings again, it's Gwen. He turns the phone off and throws it onto the table before him.

Everywhere he looks, things remind him of Arthur. He closes his eyes and exhaustion finally takes over.

His dreams are uneasy and full of haunting images of Arthur in Gwen's bed, Gwen with Arthur, Arthur caressing Gwen, running his fingers through her hair, lustful moans and sighs on his lips. Gwen is smiling at Merlin. "It's not what it looks like," still smiling she turns back to Arthur, kissing him passionately.

Merlin tries to close his eyes and run away, but he can't. He watches them in terror as his heart breaks more and more with every kiss.

Suddenly the floor beneath him opens up, threatening to swallow him – and Merlin gives in, welcoming the fall into nothingness. And then there's Arthur. Beautiful Arthur, catching him, taking him into his arms. He is softly saying Merlin's name over and over again. "Merlin. Merlin. I love you so much Merlin. I'm so sorry. Merlin, stupid, stupid Merlin. I love you. I'm so sorry." He softly kisses Merlin's head while he rocks him back and forth, holding him secure in his strong arms. Merlin starts to relax and breathes in the sweet scent of starch, bergamot and – alcohol?

Merlin opens his eyes.

They talk for what seems like an eternity.

Gwen had told Arthur about Merlin's suspicions and when they couldn't reach him on his phone, she had called Lance to pick them up to look for Merlin.

He should be angry with Gwen for telling Arthur what he had told her in privacy, but Merlin is glad that Arthur knows. Arthur has told him about his feelings and fears and everything has been brought to the open. They sit in silence for a while then, neither of them knowing what to say.

"I will tell Uther I don't want that promotion." Arthur offers to break the silence.

"Don't be an idiot," Merlin remarks. "You have worked so hard for it. I don't want all of this to have been for nothing."

Arthur looks at him with earnest eyes. "I would never leave you Merlin, for no one. I love you with all my heart. You are more important to me than this job. Yes, I want it. But only because I want to give you the house you dream about. What good does it do me, if I lose you in the process?" He takes Merlin's hand to strengthen his point. "I love you Merlin. All I want is for you to be happy."

Merlin absently starts to draw circles on Arthur's hand as Arthur continues. "We will make this work. I have a private meeting with Uther in two weeks. If he doesn't give me a promotion then, he never will. I've been working myself off for far too long. I won't lose you to a stupid job."

Merlin smiles at him fondly. "You really love me that much?" he asks.

"More than anything in the world," And right then, Merlin knows that it's true.

Epilogue:

The waves are quietly rolling up the small beach on front of the veranda, where Merlin is enjoying the last sunlight of the day. He watches Gwen and Lance giggle on the other side of the garden while Morgana is flirting with Gwaine, who has offered to be in charge of the BBQ.

Merlin can hear Arthur coming up behind him. He kisses him and with a happy smile takes in the small party going on in their backyard.

"Is this how you imagined it?" Arthur asks.

"Even better." Merlin answers and kisses him.


End file.
